untitled

in my heart of hearts there is only a scar. i operate within the lines, and i see the margin but i'm on the outside. no forward thinking can stop me from falling behind. i might have lost a step, but i'll take it in stride. i'm afraid to sleep cuz my true thoughts will come out. honest expressions of death and doubt. and nowadays i cry without a sound so i don't wake my inner demons. oh how they linger. waiting so still, i can't think straight, it's my head they fill. i revel in the pain cuz it means i'm still feeling but the open wound means i'm never healing. i could have a one night stand, but it's those other seven days when i still feel lost. cuz while time is speeding up and slipping away, all i want is for someone to stay.

i need a kiss from lady luck to put some wind behind my sails. guide me, show me, help me blaze my own trail. ill give her a ring to keep her by my side cuz she is one of a kind and until death do us part, she can hold my heart. and i will love her so until i die. with you so far away, all i do is watch the clock. i hold its hands to keep them from turning, but its yours i really want. its like time and distance are running a race and i'm in dead last. i could run forever but they move too fast. i would never catch up. it's love i'm chasing after, but not quickly enough.

mirage

with the wool over my eyes, i never slept better. i can finally get away from empty words of hopeless hopes and all the stupid dreams that keep us afloat. but i'd rather stay awake cuz it's this nightmare i can't shake.

more violent means to unexamined ends can only leave us dead. i still take part in a system i find flawed: a gear turning towards disaster, and i am a cog. for my interests, money isn't involved but it's still the thing around which i revolve. we're so scared to think on our own: made to believe this place is home. this false sense of security suffocates. we're led by a single mind too afraid to debate. no room for a real dialogue. ask a question, face the firing squad. real thought is suppressed for need of control. we wander through life not aware of what they stole. the things we value have made us ill. bedridden and sick, no longer with the will -- to think. to challenge. punishments that don't fit the crimes. a life in prison for being a product of the system; while a killer walks away with a slap on the wrist. because oscar grant represents the problem that still persists. that we will mount an army to fight a perceived thug. we refuse to shed a tear, but we'd love to shed your blood.

why are we unable to see past the mirage placed before our eyes? not ready to move past the facade we call our lives. these are the symptoms of our diseased ways. with no impending change, i'm counting down our numbered days.

counting sheep

if words are the gun, then Im pulling the trigger. i would gladly end this misery but i'm just a quitter. i warmly welcome my impending death cuz im tired of surprises. i want what i expect i'm so sick of improvising. i went and bought some rope and tried to tie the noose. but my made in china rope just slipped right loose. i can't even kill myself in this mother fucking place. life would be so much better if i was just erased. when will we grow tired of having to feint a smile. when will we realize that we are out of style. my wasteful ways no longer belong. i can write these words but not right my wrongs. i want to wake up from the american dream. left to toss and turn, it's not as nice as it once seemed. i shuffle my feet through these sleepy times. they turn the lights down so we can't see their lies. i patiently wait for it to end one day. but i still fear that the path i chose is one-way. i'll never find comfort in what i decide. i wonder why the truth is only implied. if this is what it takes, then i'll be frank. the way we live our lives pulls the wool over our eyes. and what's more, the final truth: death is coming for you.

scar i bear

"if the eyes are windows to the soul, then grief is the door to mine." at times i feel it sinking in, but all i can ever think is what may have been. without you. i wish i could reconsider my path but its all too late. i've come to terms with the fact that i will never escape my old mistakes. it wasn't just my body you raped, the real pain you inflicted doesn't even show a scrape. but the scar i bear will always last. and forever i'll be as fragile as glass. as worthless as a penny thrown in a well. a slit of my wrists seems a reasonable buy and living life a real tough sell. cuz at this point, my life isn't mine anymore. my only purpose is to raise these boys that i adore. but ultimately resent. cuz it's you i see in their eyes, reliving all the nights i was discontent. insomnia from the fear of you greeting me with your fists, when all i wanted was your lips. my so-called life revolves around regret. your abuse looms over me like a silhouette.

adios

i spend my nights trying to yell, but there's no point. wise words upon deaf ears, i might as well have no voice. once again i'm in this alone. oh, what's one more chance i've blown. new sights blurred through old glasses. its kinda funny how the feeling passes. you always were so good at charades, but i don't wanna play if it all just fades. always hoping a change will come is the definition of being young. my youth was but a waste. just token memories i misplaced. i've come to define naive as the bullshit we believe. you see, it's always so easy in the start when you only love with your bleeding heart.

but you stomped all over my heart, tore it apart. spit on the mess after you were done. i don't recognize the monster you've become. you keep talking circles around the truth. if the only words are lies i'd rather be a mute. i've been taking naps on my deathbed. i was once told that someday i'd be dead. i want to feel a part of that guarantee cuz it's the only promise i ever believed. solitude is all i deserve, and i prefer my death premature. i'd take a moment to bid you all adieux, but the sentiment is more "fuck you". i wish i could wish you well but that's one last lie i will not tell. goodbye, farewell, i'll see you in hell.

smirk

in those times when the shadows slowly creep up around us, preparing to surround us, your company keeps me safe from the solitude that i hate. making their way into my mind, they try to implant fear: that one day i'll wake up and you'll have disappeared. that i have nothing on which i can depend. that you offered me a love you'd never lend. this is my conscious self. just another card i was dealt. to always think the worst. i think my mind works in reverse. a smile won't make me believe; you can flash your teeth, but its a smirk that i perceive. my head's not in the clouds, my foot's not in my mouth. maybe i'm down to earth, but i've searched the world and can't find my worth. someone please find a cliche that actually helps me with the pain. i am dysfunction, broken beyond repair. please save your pity. i am confinement, better left alone. not a friend in this fuckin city. i want no part of it, my loneliness: my bliss.

punctuate

as i delete these photos my memory becomes a blur,
of what i will be i'm still unsure.
i hate seeing your fucking smile.
it's probably all my fault but i'm in denial.
a comforting shoulder is what i want, but a life of my own is what i need.
just give me a moment, maybe two or three.
i'm still catching my breath as you proceed.
You moved on so quick, i'm such a fucking waste.
All your words are so bitter I can’t stomach their taste.
As I focus my eyes I see it’s hopeless to try.

I resent the fact that I don’t have your warm embrace.
I remember the times when all I wanted was your touch,
And all the times I thought I couldn't see you enough.
I’m sorry if this all sounds like a eulogy.
But the irony is killing me.
Its my fault for wanting what father time had in mind.
while i looked ahead, that bastard took you away instead.
I won’t apologize for being over-dramatic;
What you call drama I know as trauma.
it's always so easy in the start, when you only love with your bleeding heart.
to fall in love with a story embellished with pride and glory.
i've built a humble dwelling in my head to keep me safe from our inevitable end.
for so long I wanted a perfect ending.
but i learned the hard way that songs don't always rhyme,
and some stories don't have a beginning, middle, and end.
I know where we started but I lost track of the finish,
and i'll never know why our love diminished.
you see the funny thing with endings is the lack of closure.
i won't even bother maintaining my composure.

new project -- part 1

self-pity

"you always drink too much, and eat too little."

i built my life around you and it fell back on me.  you had this way of leveling me with your eyes, but these last few years i have been so unwise. when i was with you i was totally vulnerable. "i loved you, i loved you, i loved you. why did you hurt me, how could you? oh why, did you, leave me...bruised and battered, scarred and tattered."

i've been abandoned once again and am stuck here with two children. their lives are a constant reminder of my worst mistakes. i still tremble at the thought of you stumbling up the driveway as i peer through the drapes.

i've done all i can to distance myself from your memory, but it lingers and nothing can set me free. it rests in dormant regions of my cerebrum, a forgotten impulse that climbs unwelcome in my head. a stowaway that i cannot remove, shadowy stalker i cannot elude. you have broken me time after time: my heart and bones, spirit and mind. i have nothing more to hope for, for i have been unwanted my entire life.

"i can never make this right..."

Blindsided By Hindsight

The things I've left behind me continue to remind me that I'm not as far from the past as I pretend. A brush under the rug won't help me make amends, but I'd rather turn and run than clean up the pieces that I broke. I used to think I was running out of harm's way but I realized I'm just running out of hope. And I have not a thing to show for all those times when I faced up my fears. As I got more answers things just became more unclear. Why try to heal when all you're left with is a scar? A scar is nothing but a story to tell. A reminder that you suffered through hell; and made it out not quite unscathed. A chance to share a painful phase. The wish that someone might shed a tear or offer a shoulder for my own. The hope that her shoulder could become my home. But as it goes I'm stuck by myself waiting to hear the phone. And the silence reminds me that my past has just caught up because I couldn't keep pace. I wish I could say I thought it'd end differently, but that just ain't the case.

End.

What the Therapist Should've Said...

Deny, defend, deflect, despise. There's nowhere for you to hide. Please spare us all the wasted time. You're dead despite your breathing; your heart might as well stop beating. No amount of thread and needle could help you sew a different life. As if self deprecation could make it right. You lost track of who to hate so you resort to self-loathing. Indifference is the new AIDs. Apathy the new black plague. And you are so very sick. You need to fucking change. There's nowhere left to hide. So you must change or else you're gonna die. You're infected, and wasting time. 'Cause what you have right now could hardly be called a life. Always so scared to try, spending your life waiting to die. Waiting for acceptance that just can't find you, and never will. You spend your days inside singing the blues while the sun goes down without being used.

Golden State

In this golden state of angels and saints I've lost myself in endless complaints. Lost in problems with which I'd rather not deal 'cause that requires admitting they're all real. I need to find a way to let go. I want all my wasted time back. I avoid fear because I refuse to face the facts. My comfort zone defines me, or maybe it confines me. And I can't find the key to the lock that would let me think outside the box. I need to find a way to get out. I wish I could say I'd feel differently somewhere else, but I've nowhere else to go to compare how this all felt. I want something new, 'cause around here it's just the past that I pursue. There's no way to move on until I get gone. I'm on my way out but I know I'll be back, hopefully with my broken mind totally intact.

Power Outage

Who needs pants at a time like this?

Death, Taxes & Doubt

"A revolving door is no place to play." Wise words as I struggle to find a friend that stays. But my life never will stop spinning, I've been dizzy since the accidental beginning. The only thing I've ever counted on is the feeling of being wrong. Like pouring my soul into the ears of a friend who offers a hand they would never lend. Like growing up. Like being stuck. Like always wondering if you're really enough. Like waiting for an answer to come and realizing it's easiest to just go numb. You call me pessimistic but I'm just realistic. 'Cause from here on out I will only rely on the sour taste of a bitter goodbye. And the things I hear through the grapevine make me lose my fucking mind. Whenever I try to figure it out I start to think I'll always be stuck with doubt. Oh, now I figured it out. I see I'm destined for doubt.

Rhythm

I want to find the moment where nothing else matters, but lately I've been falling up stairs and sliding down ladders. What a shame that in this day and age I can’t express myself. I have to play a game just to feel like I’m getting help. I hate waiting for somebody to come, the solitude leaves me numb. I struggle to find the difference between independence and loneliness. And where you came in was no coincidence. I don't believe in destiny, but I haven't found my own way yet. I will undo every nail that's holding up my safety net. 'Cause I'm long overdue to try something new and it's something new I so desperately need; I've outgrown this role. I shiver at the thought of your lips, 'cause compared to your kiss the world is cold. No matter what I do to settle the beat of my heart my rhythm's out of sync being so far apart. This distance confines me, or maybe it defines me, I don't know anymore. No I am not where I belong. I get lost following the lines we've drawn. No I am not where I belong. I hope the conclusion isn't foregone. Because no I am not, where I belong.

End.

I Feel Followed

I try to run for cover but my mind is slowed down by the clutter. I know it was you who put me in a blindfold. It all felt so orchestrated. How are you so damn cold. It all felt so coordinated. My family's just a name that won't control my thoughts. I spend too much time in all these hard fought battles lost. I shouldn't bother to fight. My past is always shadowing me. But now I'm turning on the light.

Been Awhile...

Maybe it’s just me but, I don’t see you holding a gavel. Yet your words hit me harder than a jury with a verdict hard to grapple. Years of anxiety and excitement turned the distance into inches. Right on cue: coincidence has brought you back after the long wait. You drowned my hopes as quickly as you invited me with the promise of embrace. I was tricked by your warmth, a kiss, nothing more than a small taste. No matter where this goes, at least I can sleep soundly. No matter if this grows I'm still glad you found me. Regret stuck like a chain binding my feet. Despite my greatest effort I simply couldn't move. With one swift smile you made me feel I had nothing left to lose. I was never good at this sort of thing but as sure as this heart will stay alive, I thank you, for my life you did revive.

R.I.P.

6.28.10

I'll Get My Just Deserve by Touché Amoré

Cyrus

Worth your time and money.

Gay is Good

"Straight As She Wants to Be"
A kiss is a kiss is a kiss.
Regardless of Joseph Smith.
And what I wouldn’t give to love a woman like she does…
A kiss is a kiss is a kiss is a kiss.
On the lips.
Or on the lips.



Alvin Carrillo photography. Got some sick shots of Dangers, which is why I found his stuff in the first place, and a lot of other cool ones. Check it out. While we're on the subject, check out Dangers too. Amazing band. Most importantly, go here.

6.24.10

Funny how it can all fade away in an instant. It gives no warning, it has no reason. All I’m left with is feeling distant. Left alone to move on, but barely breathin’. In all my memories you tell me how you’re so very proud. I don’t know where I went wrong but I’d give anything to hear one more laugh aloud. I may be going through the motions but I’ve never been so stuck. My mind is working in circles, I’ve run out of luck. No matter what I do, just can’t reverse my fortunes. I’d rather drive it all out of proportion. I won’t ever buckle my belt. I’d rather learn from the pain I felt. If only I could right my wrongs as easily as I write these rhymes. All these words are just a waste of time. In trying to find something clever to say, I’ve done nothing but let it all slip away. Now I'd rather have what I know is wrong because I know not all the feeling's gone.

Because...

Amazing short film by Steve Hwang. I never felt so connected to a character who never speaks a word. If you want insight into how I think about relationships (or women I like in general), then watch this.

Effort Contest! [Linebreaker Zine]

Linebreaker Zine has become a recent must-read for me. Some awesome insight into writing that is already awesome to begin with. Check out the link to see the contest they just posted and read through the site more too, even if you don't dig the music, the lyrics and interviews are a worthwhile read.

http://linebreakerzine.com/2010/06/22/the-effort-wartime-citizens-contest/#comments

6.18.10

I try to write from personal experience, because that is of course what has shaped and affected me most. Usually, I write because it helps to clear my mind and helps me figure out what I really think or believe. Often times I write because I am upset with a certain situation that I'm in. Unfortunately, I don't often write because I'm upset with a certain situation that others are in.

The other day a close friend of mine casually used the word "faggot". I told him I didn't like that word, and his response was: "I don't mean it in a gay way." As if that excused him. As if that made me less offended.

This is what I wish I said back to him at the time...

Profits for Prophets

For ten years he’s loved a man more than I could ever hope to. And their lives were changed by those with a grudge and a vote too. How dare I ever act heartbroken. I wish I could take back all the slurs I've spoken. John 3:16 says we know everything. But I don't understand why we exclude them from saying "I do". All for 8 for the problems we perpetuate. Love is not yours to own. Their love is not yours to control. My family doesn’t need more focus. This kind of shit leaves me hopeless. All your stupid words offend me. It’s not okay so I’ll stop pretending.

For every person who was bashed like Shepard. For every one of us who ever excused that slur. For all the prophets like Dobson. For all the pain and anguish that we’ve caused them. For all the ignorance that is still spread. It’s about time we start using our heads.

6.16.10

Out of sight, out of mind.
As I focus my eyes I see it’s hopeless to try.
I resent the fact that I don’t have your warm embrace.
All your words are so bitter I can’t stomach their taste.
I remember the times when all I wanted was your touch,
And all the times I thought I’d never see you enough.
I’m sorry if this all sounds like an effigy.
But the irony is killing me.
Its my fault for wondering what was ahead.
You always told me I could be the one,
But time took you away instead.
I’m just a lesson learned now that its said and done.
The future has thieved me yet again,
And left a wound that I don’t know how to mend.
After all of this my heart has hardened.
I just can’t seem to resist the self-pity I take part in.

You moved on so quick, I was all a waste.
But I still can’t swallow what you said, I just can’t stand the taste.
I won’t apologize for being over-dramatic;
What you call drama I know as trauma.
I had no control. I never had control.
You see I wanted a perfect ending.
But I learned the hard way that poems don’t always rhyme,
And some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end.
I know where we started but I lost track of the finish,
And how our love diminished.
You see the funny thing with endings is that there isn’t any closure.
All I can do is try to maintain my composure.

5.20.10

It was my insecurities that held me captive for so many years. They bound my hands behind me, and from the shadows, whispered softly in my ear. And it was those soft words of fear that made me act as I did. With the wisdom I have now, I wish those moments I could relive. But the past has long moved on, and grasped another poor soul. And as I stand here now, I question if I can ever feel whole. But like my fears before them, questions consume my days. I see no answers within sight, and so I fight against the pain. But despite my greatest efforts the struggle gains more ground. And as I grow self-conscious, every ounce turns to a pound. Soon it’s a ton I’m up against. The pressure’s overwhelming, the weight is so immense. And with my body tense, I try to exhale. And with a few short breaths, I realize that I did not fail. No matter how big the mistake, there is always somewhere to go. Doubt is not the only road.

5.18.10

The tears rolling down my face are the price I willingly paid. And I would pay it again knowing the pain would soon fade. I never felt so betrayed by my own actions. I try so hard to steady my feet but always struggle to find traction. I will always fall alone but claim it was you who stuck out your leg. There’s always a crack, a root, a stone for me to lay my blame. I never stood a chance against myself. You may have brought me down, but I really didn’t need the help. For all the effort I never put in, I wish we could see what it should have been. But it’s fear I no longer hide. It’s doubt that I’d rather face and fail, but say, ‘At least I tried.’

“See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering.”