5.20.10

It was my insecurities that held me captive for so many years. They bound my hands behind me, and from the shadows, whispered softly in my ear. And it was those soft words of fear that made me act as I did. With the wisdom I have now, I wish those moments I could relive. But the past has long moved on, and grasped another poor soul. And as I stand here now, I question if I can ever feel whole. But like my fears before them, questions consume my days. I see no answers within sight, and so I fight against the pain. But despite my greatest efforts the struggle gains more ground. And as I grow self-conscious, every ounce turns to a pound. Soon it’s a ton I’m up against. The pressure’s overwhelming, the weight is so immense. And with my body tense, I try to exhale. And with a few short breaths, I realize that I did not fail. No matter how big the mistake, there is always somewhere to go. Doubt is not the only road.

5.18.10

The tears rolling down my face are the price I willingly paid. And I would pay it again knowing the pain would soon fade. I never felt so betrayed by my own actions. I try so hard to steady my feet but always struggle to find traction. I will always fall alone but claim it was you who stuck out your leg. There’s always a crack, a root, a stone for me to lay my blame. I never stood a chance against myself. You may have brought me down, but I really didn’t need the help. For all the effort I never put in, I wish we could see what it should have been. But it’s fear I no longer hide. It’s doubt that I’d rather face and fail, but say, ‘At least I tried.’

“See, I keep falling for the future after tripping on the past.
And I am always tearing sutures out to make the anguish last like it defines me.
Or reminds me I've found comfort in my suffering.”