counting sheep

if words are the gun, then Im pulling the trigger. i would gladly end this misery but i'm just a quitter. i warmly welcome my impending death cuz im tired of surprises. i want what i expect i'm so sick of improvising. i went and bought some rope and tried to tie the noose. but my made in china rope just slipped right loose. i can't even kill myself in this mother fucking place. life would be so much better if i was just erased. when will we grow tired of having to feint a smile. when will we realize that we are out of style. my wasteful ways no longer belong. i can write these words but not right my wrongs. i want to wake up from the american dream. left to toss and turn, it's not as nice as it once seemed. i shuffle my feet through these sleepy times. they turn the lights down so we can't see their lies. i patiently wait for it to end one day. but i still fear that the path i chose is one-way. i'll never find comfort in what i decide. i wonder why the truth is only implied. if this is what it takes, then i'll be frank. the way we live our lives pulls the wool over our eyes. and what's more, the final truth: death is coming for you.

scar i bear

"if the eyes are windows to the soul, then grief is the door to mine." at times i feel it sinking in, but all i can ever think is what may have been. without you. i wish i could reconsider my path but its all too late. i've come to terms with the fact that i will never escape my old mistakes. it wasn't just my body you raped, the real pain you inflicted doesn't even show a scrape. but the scar i bear will always last. and forever i'll be as fragile as glass. as worthless as a penny thrown in a well. a slit of my wrists seems a reasonable buy and living life a real tough sell. cuz at this point, my life isn't mine anymore. my only purpose is to raise these boys that i adore. but ultimately resent. cuz it's you i see in their eyes, reliving all the nights i was discontent. insomnia from the fear of you greeting me with your fists, when all i wanted was your lips. my so-called life revolves around regret. your abuse looms over me like a silhouette.

adios

i spend my nights trying to yell, but there's no point. wise words upon deaf ears, i might as well have no voice. once again i'm in this alone. oh, what's one more chance i've blown. new sights blurred through old glasses. its kinda funny how the feeling passes. you always were so good at charades, but i don't wanna play if it all just fades. always hoping a change will come is the definition of being young. my youth was but a waste. just token memories i misplaced. i've come to define naive as the bullshit we believe. you see, it's always so easy in the start when you only love with your bleeding heart.

but you stomped all over my heart, tore it apart. spit on the mess after you were done. i don't recognize the monster you've become. you keep talking circles around the truth. if the only words are lies i'd rather be a mute. i've been taking naps on my deathbed. i was once told that someday i'd be dead. i want to feel a part of that guarantee cuz it's the only promise i ever believed. solitude is all i deserve, and i prefer my death premature. i'd take a moment to bid you all adieux, but the sentiment is more "fuck you". i wish i could wish you well but that's one last lie i will not tell. goodbye, farewell, i'll see you in hell.

smirk

in those times when the shadows slowly creep up around us, preparing to surround us, your company keeps me safe from the solitude that i hate. making their way into my mind, they try to implant fear: that one day i'll wake up and you'll have disappeared. that i have nothing on which i can depend. that you offered me a love you'd never lend. this is my conscious self. just another card i was dealt. to always think the worst. i think my mind works in reverse. a smile won't make me believe; you can flash your teeth, but its a smirk that i perceive. my head's not in the clouds, my foot's not in my mouth. maybe i'm down to earth, but i've searched the world and can't find my worth. someone please find a cliche that actually helps me with the pain. i am dysfunction, broken beyond repair. please save your pity. i am confinement, better left alone. not a friend in this fuckin city. i want no part of it, my loneliness: my bliss.

punctuate

as i delete these photos my memory becomes a blur,
of what i will be i'm still unsure.
i hate seeing your fucking smile.
it's probably all my fault but i'm in denial.
a comforting shoulder is what i want, but a life of my own is what i need.
just give me a moment, maybe two or three.
i'm still catching my breath as you proceed.
You moved on so quick, i'm such a fucking waste.
All your words are so bitter I can’t stomach their taste.
As I focus my eyes I see it’s hopeless to try.

I resent the fact that I don’t have your warm embrace.
I remember the times when all I wanted was your touch,
And all the times I thought I couldn't see you enough.
I’m sorry if this all sounds like a eulogy.
But the irony is killing me.
Its my fault for wanting what father time had in mind.
while i looked ahead, that bastard took you away instead.
I won’t apologize for being over-dramatic;
What you call drama I know as trauma.
it's always so easy in the start, when you only love with your bleeding heart.
to fall in love with a story embellished with pride and glory.
i've built a humble dwelling in my head to keep me safe from our inevitable end.
for so long I wanted a perfect ending.
but i learned the hard way that songs don't always rhyme,
and some stories don't have a beginning, middle, and end.
I know where we started but I lost track of the finish,
and i'll never know why our love diminished.
you see the funny thing with endings is the lack of closure.
i won't even bother maintaining my composure.

new project -- part 1

self-pity

"you always drink too much, and eat too little."

i built my life around you and it fell back on me.  you had this way of leveling me with your eyes, but these last few years i have been so unwise. when i was with you i was totally vulnerable. "i loved you, i loved you, i loved you. why did you hurt me, how could you? oh why, did you, leave me...bruised and battered, scarred and tattered."

i've been abandoned once again and am stuck here with two children. their lives are a constant reminder of my worst mistakes. i still tremble at the thought of you stumbling up the driveway as i peer through the drapes.

i've done all i can to distance myself from your memory, but it lingers and nothing can set me free. it rests in dormant regions of my cerebrum, a forgotten impulse that climbs unwelcome in my head. a stowaway that i cannot remove, shadowy stalker i cannot elude. you have broken me time after time: my heart and bones, spirit and mind. i have nothing more to hope for, for i have been unwanted my entire life.

"i can never make this right..."

Blindsided By Hindsight

The things I've left behind me continue to remind me that I'm not as far from the past as I pretend. A brush under the rug won't help me make amends, but I'd rather turn and run than clean up the pieces that I broke. I used to think I was running out of harm's way but I realized I'm just running out of hope. And I have not a thing to show for all those times when I faced up my fears. As I got more answers things just became more unclear. Why try to heal when all you're left with is a scar? A scar is nothing but a story to tell. A reminder that you suffered through hell; and made it out not quite unscathed. A chance to share a painful phase. The wish that someone might shed a tear or offer a shoulder for my own. The hope that her shoulder could become my home. But as it goes I'm stuck by myself waiting to hear the phone. And the silence reminds me that my past has just caught up because I couldn't keep pace. I wish I could say I thought it'd end differently, but that just ain't the case.

End.